This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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