I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
