Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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