Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Randomize
