I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
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