Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
