but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
