grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
