He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
