hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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