Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
