My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
