Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
