I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize