butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
