So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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