i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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