dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
