if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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