I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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