My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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