She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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