Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
