Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
