12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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