i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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