dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
