I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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