I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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