I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
