I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
