when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
