I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
