Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
