maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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