He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
