Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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