You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize