Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
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