He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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