Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
