Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
