My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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