I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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