Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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