sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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