I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
