I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
