she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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