I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
