you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
