I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
