All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
