i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
