no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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